Realize

Lately I have felt so down and I do not know why. Everyday since Wednesday I have come home and just wanted to cry until I fell asleep. It hit me like a bullet on target. I do not have any particular reason for being upset, however I have gotten to the bottom of my upset nights. No it is not because I am lonely. Though most people know I am, thats not why I have been so down. Then what is it? Well after hard concentrated research....I have discovered it is me lashing out on myself for things I have let happen to me. I let people constantly treat me like I am nothing. Then when someone treats me good/well I push them away because I feel it can not be true. Last night really showed me how messed up it is to do that. It is hard to say I will not ever do it again. It is hard to trust and let people treat me good. I worked it out in my mind that I should not ever be treated well after all thats happened. The truth is I should have never allowed someone to treat me so horrible. I am a good person, would never purposely hurt anyone. I try to make everything work. I hold on to people.I believe in people even when they give up on me. I love, I trust, I believe. What about you? The sudden realization of how messed up my sudden depression (lack of a better word) could have pushed those good people away. The one's who had good intention's and did not do anything deserving of being pushed away. They proved themselves worthy by not only showing me how intelligent I was being but telling me I am worth it. One person said it best when they said "your only problem is your self confidence". Something hit me at that moment like a star falling from the sky. I am just scared that some one may think I am awesome, beautiful, smart, kind and loving even funny. Who am I to tell them not to? Who am I to judge them? To assume is never accurate. It is not right to assume everyone is out to hurt you. The thing is it is hard not to believe everyone wants to hurt you when they always have. This is what I know. I know me. I know I am beautiful inside and out. I know I care way to much about everything. I know I am smart, kind and caring. I know I trust easy and fall way to fast. I know that music has saved me.I know one day someone is going to love me so ridiculously much. I also know I have the greatest family. I am scared of the world. I am scared of being hurt. I am scared of someone treating me like dirt on the ground again. Most importantly, I have decided to stop being scared of getting hurt. Hopefully, I still have the chance to show you the world. xo JC

Life

Scared to move on, scared to trust anyone in her life. Even when someone good popped into her life she had doubts that she could not ignore. With the doubts she started questioning wether or not her mind or her heart was right. She wanted to believe her heart but things were always a little off to her. Everything could have just been perfect if she believed in other people. It was almost an impossible task for her to believe in anyone. Every moment without the person she felt like he was betraying her. She could not put a finger on it, but she felt it in her mind. It was a bad intense feeling she could not deal with. She had to decide wether or not to confront him or just let her heart win. On one side if she let her heart win, she would be happy. She knew the fear would always exist though. What do you do when you can not trust the person your with? But would it not ruin a relationship, accusing someone of being sketchy or not being faithful. If they were, they would probably lie to you and say they were. If they were not they would always believe that you thought they were. It is a loose loose situation. So what about these people who find it harder to trust people? Are they just suppose to step back and let life play out? Isn't that the hardest thing to do in life? It was not the first time she felt like this and the last time she felt this way she was exactly right. Feelings are almost impossible to understand. How do you know what to do? How do you know when your wasting your time? All you want to do is move on, all you want to do is trust again. Is it possible? It has been a long time coming, I hear these voices from my friends and even in my own head. Today I have a story to tell. A person of my past really hurt me in ways I didn't know I could be hurt in. I loved this person with my heart and soul. Never knew it would end as it did. I was not capable of hurting him, I gave one hundred percent all the time. Even when it felt like all my friends were calling me stupid, dumb and other things. I lied to everyone but what actually happened until the end. It was a stupid mistake because you know how torn and worthless I felt in the end. I swear if anyone ever makes me feel that; dumb, stupid, worthless, pathetic etc. I will not stand for it. I am a strong person do it to me once your bad; do it two me twice lets talk about it; three times my fault. Games over, your out. People now only get one strike. I can not trust as I was once able to. This whole blurb is about trust. I would never purposely try to hurt someone. I never will, never have purposely tried to. However, I know at least 20 people in/out of my life who have tried to hurt me. Its unacceptable and will not be tolerated from this day until I die. I am a person and I deserve to be treated with the same respect as any other human. This might not make sense to any one who reads this but take into consideration I have been up since 7am yesterday and its 1am almost. I will leave/finish up with a story I wrote.

A story written about a girl who got carried away with the negatives in her life and decided to make a change. It's never to late to change the path that you chose to take.

Jaycee Warden was a beautiful cowgirl from Hagersville, Ontario. She had ; fifteen pure bred miniature pony’s, chickens, three dogs, kittens and even a baby piglet. Most people were jealous of her, Jaycee had everything any young woman could ever want. Parent's & Friends who loved her, a beautiful ranch. Not to mention she was drop dead gorgeous from her beautiful long brunette hair right down to her cute smile. Jaycee knew she was the best, she did not let anyone tell her other wise. Her ego was as huge as the ranch her parents owned. That girl had big dreams, her biggest dream was to race horses and own her own rodeo one day. To bad that her simple careless life would be changed in a way that would push her to her limits. No one could prepare her for what she was about to go through. On January 5th, 2004 the story begins. Jaycee was going into town to celebrate her birthday with her best friends Heather and Jace. All Jaycee wanted for her birthday was a new outfit for the rodeo she was taking her horse Savannah to the following week. As they headed downtown to celebrate her 21st birthday they heard some music playing. Jaycee started getting really excited, it was Blue Rodeo in the town square singing their hearts out. She raced to the square as they started to play Bad Timing. This was her favourite band, playing on her birthday, in her town, it was fate she thought to herself. She started singing along “We each forgive a little bit, and we both look back on it. It's just bad timing thats all...” and this young man came up behind her and joined in with her. She was thrown off because she never had a guy come up to her before not to mention sing with her. Jaycee turned around and all she saw was this man with beautiful blue eyes, shaggy brown hair who was extremely muscular and she was in his power. When the song finished he asked her name, she barely could get the words out to tell him but finally muttered “Jaycee”. Finally her two friends joined her, she raced so fast to see Blue Rodeo. Jaycee thought to herself they will save me from this mess. Instead, Heather proclaims “ Oh who's this handsome man? New boyfriend eh?”. All Jaycee could do was yell “ HEATHER” and then turn away and continue to watch the show. As the boy turned to Heather, he introduced himself as Colby and said he lived in Hagersville only a couple houses from Jaycee. He was new in town, and thought Jaycee was pretty so he walked over to say hi. Heather quickly gave him Jaycee's number and quickly he made up some excuse why he had to leave right after receiving the number. After Blue Rodeo was done Jaycee and the girls went to look at outfits. Jaycee bought some leather chaps and, a black cowboy hat! She had completely forgotten about Colby, or she wanted to. Later that night, he called her and asked her to Rawhide Rodeo saying he had an extra ticket and no one to go with and that he would pick her up at 8am. She was thrown off, but thats the most expensive rodeo to go to so she was somewhat excited. They ended up talking on the phone for along time and at exactly 11:59pm he asked her out, she said yes. They continued to see each other, he was a nice boy. Colby had a side that was about to come out though that was not going to be pretty to clean up. At this point she did not really talk to her friends much. Colby was the only person she ever saw, and gradually he started being really grabby and would not ever let her talk to anyone. She thought she loved him, she thought his behaviour was acceptable because he loved her right? They moved in together, she was so happy! She thought she had found the one. He bought her the rodeo she wanted and made all her dreams possible but as The Beatles say you can't buy love. A few nights after the big move he drank way to much and Jaycee told him he had to much and needed to slow it down. Colby chose not to, he decided to try and get in her pants. He grabbed her, pushed her, beat her until he got what he wanted. Jaycee cried while yelling stop! He would not let her go, but he knew she would not leave. The next day, Jaycee acted like it did not happen and that night it happened again. It happened for months straight, every night. Instead of leaving she chose to start trying to just end her life cigarette burns up and down her arms, cuts and bruises everywhere from nights prior. What could she do? He'd hurt her, but he loved her? One morning Colby actually let her out of the house saying she could grab grocery’s for the week. Jaycee was excited to be able to leave the house , but she ran into Jace. This was going to be horrible Jaycee silently thought to herself. Jace looked her up and down and simply said “ I miss you, Hope everything’s well” then gave Jaycee a huge hug and walked off. After grabbing her grocery’s, she comes home to find Colby in bed with his ex of five years in whom he mentioned frequently. She felt like an idiot and ran to Jace's house she felt like her life was over. She had no job, no love, no life, she dropped her family and everything for this guy. What would she do? What could she do? Jace was surprised to see her best friend on her doorstep crying. Instead of saying I told you so she decided to calm her down and let her release her feelings over a cup of tea. Jaycee appreciated the calm and caring words but was surprised that Jace was being so nice after what had happened with their friendship. She quickly realized people like Jace and Heather are the people to keep in her life and she needed to stop letting Colby terrorize her. Now Jaycee has fixed her issues with her family and moved back to the ranch they owned. She has stopped inflicting damage on herself and has realized her friends are her heart and soul. So anytime she is missing Colby she gives them a call. They are always there to help her and now shes finally on the right path again.

Into My Heart

Life's a Bitch Life's a Journey Life's a Puzzle How to figure it out is up to you.... Long time I have felt down it reminds me of my younger years, when I would always wait for my dad to come and he never did. A long time has passed, and I finally feel like I have a dad. He has helped me so much these last couple of months, it is fantastic. It makes me so happy to know in the back of my mind that I have him supporting me through this hard time. When I was a little girl all I wanted was my dad to support me, to feel like he cared about me. One person always downed him, and no matter what this person said I could not let him go. I do not know if it was that I had faith in him to change or I just could not believe my dad was a bad person. No matter how many times he let me down, this all makes up for it. The day my dad told me he understood and agreed with me just made my life. I just love him so much, I do not know where I would be if I never met him. It always felt like everyone was screaming negetive things at me for years, but I could not let it go. I am so glad I did not. Today I was thinking about my grandparents again, it has happened more and more frequently. I just wish you knew how much I loved you. Nono I miss our bike rides, our trips to the peir I am so sorry I did not say I love you enough. I did I really did love you, I feel like I did not tell you that enough. I really looked up to you, I wish I had more time to show you how much I cared. Your so smart, loving and caring I am positive you knew I loved you. As for you Nona, Happy Birthday! I know you left to be with Nono, you helped me so much. You both taught me how to live everyday like its my last. You guys taught me so much, I was so lucky to have you guys in my life. Nona I miss you teaching me to dance, the warm sweaters you would knit me every year, are trouble games (even though you always cheated), and most of all I miss all our trips to windsor every year. Every March break you took me to Windsor to see my cousin's for they're birthday, you would never miss a birthday. We'd make so much pasta (homemade) every bite was a little piece of your heart. I hope one day, I'll be as sweet and loving as you. It is sad that your both gone, I feel like you two were angels from heaven sent to make us a family. I do not feel like were the same family with out you, we barely even see each other anymore. I know if you were still here we would see each other every holiday. Thank-you for loving me, no matter how bad I may of been. I love you both, I promise to visit you both soon. As for friends, Ashley takes the cake. Our friendship has been long, I would never trade you for anyone. Your my sister from another mister! Through the good times and the bad you have always been there. I hope you know, I care about you. Even now, I know were not that close anymore but at the end of the day your always in my heart and I wish the best for you. What would this blog be without a couple memorys? Remember the time we went to the movie theatre a little out of it and found construction gear, or the long bike rides to Best Buy or even just those times screwing around on photobooth. It is always an interesting time, to say the least. Through these last months with the trouble's I have been having I am glad if I was ever homeless I have a place there always. Those Ryan's are sweethearts. Love Is Truth Love Is Unconditional Love Is Joy Love is Freely Given Love Is Compassion To the one that my heart belongs to, I love you. These last few months have been hell for me and all you do is stand by me. When I am sad you try your hardest to cheer me up. No matter what I always feel like I can trust you. It is a strange feeling because I really do not trust anyone. I wish the best for you, I hope you know that. I hope everything gets easier for the both of us, and I hope we have a lovely life set out for us. Through all the bends in the road, I know we can get through anything because we are both super strong people. To sum everything up, thanks for the support and love. Soon enough I'll be back on my feet and laughing. I finally got that confidence back, no more negetivity. I am a winner thats how I was raised a Capacchione never quits.I wish I could go back in time, to when we were close. When I trusted you, when I at least felt you had my back. Those days are over but I yearn for them back. Some cruel things were said, that even if you tried to take them back you never could. I realised today that I can't forgive you for what you said. I will never be able to forgive what you said. I am willing to try and have you back in my life. I do not feel like thats what you want though, thats why I am not going to try anymore. It hurts me everyday that your not there for me, maybe it was our time to die out. I never hated you, I just really disliked you. I can not talk to a person who does not listen. Everytime you yelled at me to talk to you I did, I told you everything. You would chose the parts you could judge me for and just keep being loud and disrespectful. I never felt like I could talk to you and that's the worse feeling in the world. If you were not judging, you were just being ignorant ranting about my friends, my boyfriend or something or someone I cared about. How did you expect me to talk to you? It got so bad that I would hide up in my room so I did not have to deal with the negetive behaviour. I do not understand why you acted that way when all you have is people who love you. Then to top it off, you blame it all on me. The falling out was not my fault, I needed to find a smile. I needed to stop crying myself to sleep, I needed to find who I would be without you. Day after day you trashed everyone in my life, I know in some weird way your looking out for the best for me. I do not know how, but in the end you hurt me worse than any boyfriend or friend. I hope one day we can fix things, I truly do. I think you have a problem letting go because you were not a horrible mom. You never even fought me until I had my first boyfriend. Either way, I wish if you would like to hate my boyfriends that you at least give them a chance. That is all I ever wanted, that is all he wanted to. All he wanted was a chance, it is a shame he never got one. I love you, and hope things get fixed.

In the Begining...this is part 1

I was just young, when my future was somewhat tossed away. It was hard for one person to raise a young child by the lonesome. Thus totally speaking from my perspective it must've been hard. You know someone is truly special when they would drop everything in there life just to take care of you. No matter what, no matter when this person would always be there. This person is my mother. When i was young my father left us and my mother was probably very lost. Inspite her losses she picked up her life and just continued to live even after a seperation from my father. No matter what i was the main priority. She wouldve done anything to make sure i was safe, warm, fed..etc. Growing up with just my mom has taught me alot of things. Either way, she raised me alone while working and trying to keep up the household..it must of been extremly hard. I know in my heart she wouldnt of wanted it any other way though, she would never of giving me up no matter how hard it was i was her child, her baby her love. Throughout the thick and thin my mother always loved me and always put my needs above hers and i thank her for that. Her life changed a great deal, when taking care of me and working got hard she made sure she found someone just as loving to watch me so she could still provide the money for the family. My aunt moved in and helped my mom out, im glad my mom had someone this great to walk into her life to help her because we all know my father wasnt going to. To my father its like i never really existed to him its most definatly like he never even cared. My dad was never there and as i have recently realised he never will truly be there .Frankly i could care less, i have been nothing but giving to him and all he has done is break me apart. I have gave him thousands no millions of chances to be there for me and what has he given me? Ill tell you a few presents to help me remember a dad who doesnt even know what my favourite color is. One year for christmas he got me a fishing rod it through me totally off gaurd...this is when i realised my father knew nothing about me. What do you think it felt like? Ill tell you actually, it felt like someone i knew i should trust and be open with failed me. It felt like my heart was glass and had just been smashed into a million pieces on the ground. It truly killed me, theres no other words to describe the pain. To think one gift could totally tear someone apart is truly crazy. In reality though its kind of hurtful when your dad doesnt even know what your into/ what your interests are. To be honest i never knew it was that bad untill this incident. To continue my messed up story, my mom put me through school with absolutly no help from my father. It would of been nice of him to help but basically my whole life hes just been in nowheres land. If you need money he wont be found. Paying for trips, pictures, soccer, and registration fees for school my mom was determined to make my life the best it could be no matter how hard it was for her. She knew at the end of the tunnel there would be light. I remember in grade school shed always try and come in and help out with the fundraisers and stuff just so she could be with me more. This always made me feel like a million dollars. When i look back on my life im always going to remember that my mom did it all kind of like a super hero. Im never even going to remember my dad if he doesnt step up his game, there will be nothing to remember him for. I really wish i could say i had a loving father, but i just dont. There probably will always be a void in my heart, its all his fault. He couldve been there he couldve gotten to know me, he couldve tooken me to the park to just talk....but he didnt. Life goes on and im no longer waiting for my father to step up and be a man. Its a pointless wait, and im not gonna live forever. As we grow up we tend to take what we have for granted and im truly in regret that i took my mother for granted because she has only been good to me. Except i couldve probably down with out the constant grounding and the loss of my door [just saying]. I know it was all to help me grow into this fine teenager i am now. Other than my mom i have to admitt there were alot of people who helped me become who you see before you today. If i had never met my nona and nono [R.I.P forever and always] i wouldnt be so brought together and loving. Jesus/God truly blessed those two they would do anything for anyone, wouldnt harm a fly either. They truly are a gift from an angel, and its so sad to say they left us. Its hard to look back on those last days with them, but its even harder not to. They brought the love,joy,confidence,faith and happiness to everyone around them every second they lived. If my uncles and mom and all my cousins never met them i think we would of been truly missing out. We would not be who we are without them, we would not smile so big and carry so much joy. I especially missed watching them dance and sing together it was so cute because you know they loved each other more then anyone else would ever love each other in a lifetime. You could just see it in there eyes when they looked at each other. There eyes would glow and it was just amazing. I hope one day i could love someone as much as they loved each other. Now im eighteen years old and have lost three people in my life i loved so deeply that did nothing wrong, maybe it was just the deep truth that good people die sooner than the bad people. But there gone up to heaven now and are looking down on me everyday. I imagine my nono and nona are playing cards with uncle benny laughing at me everytime i do something wrong. It gets me through the days. As for the third person that i lost, im so sorry to his direct family because it was purely tradgic. My uncle joe/godfather lived everyday in the eyes of God.Everything he did was for God,or deeply related to something that needed to be done for God. Just like my grandparents it was clear he loved everyone and everything and i was truly pleasured to of had met him.


to be continued...