Living with Depression

I've been living with depression my whole life and it is sometimes so hard to deal with. Most people just don't understand that you can't just smile and feel better. It isn't always as easy and as a simple smile. People often portray depression as something a person can deal with or something that is all in the person's head. Thats not even close to being true. The truth is that it's a psychiatric disorder which can give you the inability to concentrate. It can also leave a person feeling large periods of withdrawal from society, extreme sadness, helplessness and, hopelessness. Also in extreme cases can cause someone to have questioning thoughts about their purpose on the earth causing suicidal thoughts. In my mind, it is like a constant battle fighting away the demons. Its like fighting an animal stuck inside you. Here is my story. My whole life I have struggled with depression and I finally decided to let someone help me with it in 2010. At the time I was in a really bad and abusive relationship. I began drinking almost constantly, never less than a buzz was had. I remember crying almost every night. I felt like there was no reason for me to be here anymore. I lost a lot of my friends because they couldn't watch me suffer with this guy anymore. I dropped out of school and devoted all my time to this person. I made the mistake; I thought he loved me. I was only important when I was buying the booze. After about a year of constant drinking and crying and the suicidal thoughts, I left. At this point I had no where to stay, my ex best friend let me stay with her but she didn't know how bad the situation was. I had so many scars, burns, cuts. You name it, it was done. This was the lowest point in my life. I let someone make me feel like I was nothing. I almost actually killed myself and it scared me to death. It also scared me how upset I was and all the suicidal thoughts that kept happening. My friends came back and they told me I needed to get help and I needed to go back home. Now most parents would just let their child who is broken and beaten to nothing back in their house and help them at least until their child was better and safe. Mine however made me beg and thats when It happened I went to the doctor's because I just couldn't deal with my thoughts anymore. Their solution was simple take some meds. Well, I decided to self medicate with my new meds and I had myself completely emotionless. Mission succeeded. It was great, but it wasn't me. This whole period of my life 2010-2012 I struggled to get back on track. If it wasn't for that one person to understand how I was feeling and how to help I wouldn't be here. This person truly saved my life. Even though I was really messed up on meds I kept trying to fix things with my parents and they finally agreed. I just had to go to counselling. So I went to counselling, didn't help really. Just found ways to ditch it. It's hard to tell people what you've been through. You want to bury it. You don't want to have to maybe relive it for that hour in a counselling session. The bright side I got off all the meds and though I had suicidal thoughts I stopped trying to pursue them. I wanted to believe I could trust someone for once in my life. It turned out my parents just wanted the control back over me. Every day and every night was a new fight. I was barely aloud out and the spiral of depression started again. I started to hate myself all over again. I didn't think i'd be able to push forth and hold my head up high. Then one night, the girls asked me to go to a club with them and it ended up changing my whole summer.I met this guy who just wanted to party and loved electronic music. All i've ever wanted is to be surrounded by people, who just love others and love music. This guy took me to "Guv" and I was hooked. I would go every weekend; it's the only place I felt real. No one knew my past, all they wanted was to have fun and love each other. It was my home, I loved it. Every time i'd leave though the depression would hit again. I was so mean to my parents because they didn't get it. They said it's not real music. They said i'm wasting my money and i'm stupid. I would wait all week just to get that feeling again. It was the only way I felt I could be me. They didn't like how they couldn't control me at these events so they threatened me and said they would kick me out if I went to this festival ( labour of love ) but, I did anyways. Needless to say, I had one of the greatest weekends of my life and forgot about all these problems at home. I went home and the parents were like were going to counselling together or your kicked out. This is where the story gets a bit sad. We went to counselling and my mom got kicked out because she insinuated/and said that i'm not suicidal and that depression doesn't exist (other things happened that don't need to be mentioned). Either way, I got stuck in depression/suicidal counselling. I think it's important to mention at the festival I had met this guy I felt I could tell anything to. He just understood, and listened. I would go to counselling than he'd drive up to grab me just to make sure I felt okay. I could tell him anything about how I was feeling. He's one of the only people I know truly understood my depression and why i'm how I am. I trusted him, the counselling was going good. I've never trusted a male after what previously happened so this was a big deal for me. Like all good things it had to come to an end. Imagine telling someone everything you've ever felt or anything you've ever thought and them letting you down. Not only letting you down but breaking the trust that was so strong. This guy treated me like I was a angel from heaven and made all the bad go away. But like I said it had to come to an end. We went to toronto to see my favourite dj and, he was showing me an email and underneath it was an email from "POF". I gave him the benefit of a doubt and asked him about it but i'm just crazy. It all come's out sometime. He admitted to lying, I dumped him. I don't know what hurts me more; the broken trust, or the fact I believed in someone else. It broke my heart to know after all the talks about how people wronged me,lied to me and, hurt me he did the same. After that I swore i'd never trust anyone again. Due to my counselling session's I was still stable. I discussed my feelings instead of running to inflict more pain on myself. I was still upset, really upset. I wasn't going to let myself get to the lowest point again. It's not easy. Every time I get down It's from one extreme to another. It's just another battle that needs fighting. I don't just get sad. I get sad then think about every thing thats ever hurt me. It is like a constant movie slowly eating me. I have just chose to remember I'm still here, after all this. I am worth it. All the people who have wronged me or hurt me will never be forgotten but they will be forgiven. Most importantly, I have forgiven myself. I'm not perfect, and no way have a found a cure to my depression. I do know harming yourself won't solve it. Things that can help: 1) make a list of all your favourite things; music, friends, moments, stories [ look over it when your upset] 2) make a list of your most inspirational people in life and see how they coped with hardships 3) A book with inspirational quotes ( quotes that make you high rather than low ) 4) Find someone who is biased to the things that are upsetting you to talk to (friend, family member etc) 5) Remember Your worth it. Your beautiful and have an impact on the world. 6) It's okay to cry, let it out. You are human. Xo Jamie