Mind Wars

Back in the day, in my spare time i wouldn't get so depressed. I pretty much could just stare into space and crank the tunes and be happy. Now it's like i can't get out of my head without keeping myself 100 percent occupied. It is bloody annoying. Yesterday to stay out of my head i actually reorganized my whole room. If you know me that's almost never happening. I just figured if i couldn't sleep i should be productive in some way and it seemed like away to keep my mind fresh on a task. Yesterday consisted of taking a long walk to and the funny thing was i worked yesterday and still somehow got mindfuct. It seriously is getting worse and worse. I keep remembering the things that you did to me. I cried for four hours yesterday because i saw your bloody photo. I wish you never were in my life. I wish i never fell for you i think i would be a lot better off. I probably would be able to fight this lonely feeling i have to. Before this relationship i never wanted anyone to be with me. Now i feel indifferent to that. I found someone to be all vulnerable with and it scares the shit out of me. I hate you , you changed me. I used to not be afraid of the world. Now of all times, i just want to run. I enjoy drinking and dancing because i feel free. Unchained from your arms and all better. It's the only time i feel like i'm alive. Then again someone has made me feel alive and like i could trust them which is strange i trust no one especially after this fiasco. I swore i'd never trust again and somehow this person ...well some people have got me to trust again. I feel like a vulnerable dope. My head is spinning telling me to stop.

Its Crazy But, It's True

How weird is this? I know your thinking... what do you mean? I remember many years ago I didn't give two shits about what anyone thought of me. I was careless and wasn't chained and controlled by my emotions. Lets just say I wasn't a crazy bitch before. I never really thought about how crazy one bitch could be. I'm like bad shit crazy. Run people, run! Wait, I'm really not that bad. Have you ever just wanted to know why someone is mad at you? Even though they totally couldn't give a shit to even respond. Better yet maybe it's just you know what is bugging them and you just want honesty. Is it wrong to go a bit nuts because you just want an answer? This situation has happened to me like a million times! People don't like explaining how they feel about situations... I however can't help but say how i'm feeling about situations.. and recently i've learned people don't like it and you know what I realized...? That I don't give a shit!!!!!!! I have feelings and am brutally honest about how i'm feeling in most situations. It is better than being emotionless and making people have to guess whats wrong. I think having emotions is normal. So why do I wish I was like you careless emotionless people? Well truth be told it's not always nice being the vulnerable one... Wait it's never really good to be the vulnerable one.. You just end up getting hurt. So.... What is the solution to this problem? I miss those careless days, when we didn't let our emotions control us. It's crazy that we let our emotions get the best of us. We over react all the time and then when people actually can keep their emotions in tack we yell at them and think they're not human. Damn it, Robot!

Realize

Lately I have felt so down and I do not know why. Everyday since Wednesday I have come home and just wanted to cry until I fell asleep. It hit me like a bullet on target. I do not have any particular reason for being upset, however I have gotten to the bottom of my upset nights. No it is not because I am lonely. Though most people know I am, thats not why I have been so down. Then what is it? Well after hard concentrated research....I have discovered it is me lashing out on myself for things I have let happen to me. I let people constantly treat me like I am nothing. Then when someone treats me good/well I push them away because I feel it can not be true. Last night really showed me how messed up it is to do that. It is hard to say I will not ever do it again. It is hard to trust and let people treat me good. I worked it out in my mind that I should not ever be treated well after all thats happened. The truth is I should have never allowed someone to treat me so horrible. I am a good person, would never purposely hurt anyone. I try to make everything work. I hold on to people.I believe in people even when they give up on me. I love, I trust, I believe. What about you? The sudden realization of how messed up my sudden depression (lack of a better word) could have pushed those good people away. The one's who had good intention's and did not do anything deserving of being pushed away. They proved themselves worthy by not only showing me how intelligent I was being but telling me I am worth it. One person said it best when they said "your only problem is your self confidence". Something hit me at that moment like a star falling from the sky. I am just scared that some one may think I am awesome, beautiful, smart, kind and loving even funny. Who am I to tell them not to? Who am I to judge them? To assume is never accurate. It is not right to assume everyone is out to hurt you. The thing is it is hard not to believe everyone wants to hurt you when they always have. This is what I know. I know me. I know I am beautiful inside and out. I know I care way to much about everything. I know I am smart, kind and caring. I know I trust easy and fall way to fast. I know that music has saved me.I know one day someone is going to love me so ridiculously much. I also know I have the greatest family. I am scared of the world. I am scared of being hurt. I am scared of someone treating me like dirt on the ground again. Most importantly, I have decided to stop being scared of getting hurt. Hopefully, I still have the chance to show you the world. xo JC