Realize

Lately I have felt so down and I do not know why. Everyday since Wednesday I have come home and just wanted to cry until I fell asleep. It hit me like a bullet on target. I do not have any particular reason for being upset, however I have gotten to the bottom of my upset nights. No it is not because I am lonely. Though most people know I am, thats not why I have been so down. Then what is it? Well after hard concentrated research....I have discovered it is me lashing out on myself for things I have let happen to me. I let people constantly treat me like I am nothing. Then when someone treats me good/well I push them away because I feel it can not be true. Last night really showed me how messed up it is to do that. It is hard to say I will not ever do it again. It is hard to trust and let people treat me good. I worked it out in my mind that I should not ever be treated well after all thats happened. The truth is I should have never allowed someone to treat me so horrible. I am a good person, would never purposely hurt anyone. I try to make everything work. I hold on to people.I believe in people even when they give up on me. I love, I trust, I believe. What about you? The sudden realization of how messed up my sudden depression (lack of a better word) could have pushed those good people away. The one's who had good intention's and did not do anything deserving of being pushed away. They proved themselves worthy by not only showing me how intelligent I was being but telling me I am worth it. One person said it best when they said "your only problem is your self confidence". Something hit me at that moment like a star falling from the sky. I am just scared that some one may think I am awesome, beautiful, smart, kind and loving even funny. Who am I to tell them not to? Who am I to judge them? To assume is never accurate. It is not right to assume everyone is out to hurt you. The thing is it is hard not to believe everyone wants to hurt you when they always have. This is what I know. I know me. I know I am beautiful inside and out. I know I care way to much about everything. I know I am smart, kind and caring. I know I trust easy and fall way to fast. I know that music has saved me.I know one day someone is going to love me so ridiculously much. I also know I have the greatest family. I am scared of the world. I am scared of being hurt. I am scared of someone treating me like dirt on the ground again. Most importantly, I have decided to stop being scared of getting hurt. Hopefully, I still have the chance to show you the world. xo JC