Life

Scared to move on, scared to trust anyone in her life. Even when someone good popped into her life she had doubts that she could not ignore. With the doubts she started questioning wether or not her mind or her heart was right. She wanted to believe her heart but things were always a little off to her. Everything could have just been perfect if she believed in other people. It was almost an impossible task for her to believe in anyone. Every moment without the person she felt like he was betraying her. She could not put a finger on it, but she felt it in her mind. It was a bad intense feeling she could not deal with. She had to decide wether or not to confront him or just let her heart win. On one side if she let her heart win, she would be happy. She knew the fear would always exist though. What do you do when you can not trust the person your with? But would it not ruin a relationship, accusing someone of being sketchy or not being faithful. If they were, they would probably lie to you and say they were. If they were not they would always believe that you thought they were. It is a loose loose situation. So what about these people who find it harder to trust people? Are they just suppose to step back and let life play out? Isn't that the hardest thing to do in life? It was not the first time she felt like this and the last time she felt this way she was exactly right. Feelings are almost impossible to understand. How do you know what to do? How do you know when your wasting your time? All you want to do is move on, all you want to do is trust again. Is it possible? It has been a long time coming, I hear these voices from my friends and even in my own head. Today I have a story to tell. A person of my past really hurt me in ways I didn't know I could be hurt in. I loved this person with my heart and soul. Never knew it would end as it did. I was not capable of hurting him, I gave one hundred percent all the time. Even when it felt like all my friends were calling me stupid, dumb and other things. I lied to everyone but what actually happened until the end. It was a stupid mistake because you know how torn and worthless I felt in the end. I swear if anyone ever makes me feel that; dumb, stupid, worthless, pathetic etc. I will not stand for it. I am a strong person do it to me once your bad; do it two me twice lets talk about it; three times my fault. Games over, your out. People now only get one strike. I can not trust as I was once able to. This whole blurb is about trust. I would never purposely try to hurt someone. I never will, never have purposely tried to. However, I know at least 20 people in/out of my life who have tried to hurt me. Its unacceptable and will not be tolerated from this day until I die. I am a person and I deserve to be treated with the same respect as any other human. This might not make sense to any one who reads this but take into consideration I have been up since 7am yesterday and its 1am almost. I will leave/finish up with a story I wrote.

A story written about a girl who got carried away with the negatives in her life and decided to make a change. It's never to late to change the path that you chose to take.

Jaycee Warden was a beautiful cowgirl from Hagersville, Ontario. She had ; fifteen pure bred miniature pony’s, chickens, three dogs, kittens and even a baby piglet. Most people were jealous of her, Jaycee had everything any young woman could ever want. Parent's & Friends who loved her, a beautiful ranch. Not to mention she was drop dead gorgeous from her beautiful long brunette hair right down to her cute smile. Jaycee knew she was the best, she did not let anyone tell her other wise. Her ego was as huge as the ranch her parents owned. That girl had big dreams, her biggest dream was to race horses and own her own rodeo one day. To bad that her simple careless life would be changed in a way that would push her to her limits. No one could prepare her for what she was about to go through. On January 5th, 2004 the story begins. Jaycee was going into town to celebrate her birthday with her best friends Heather and Jace. All Jaycee wanted for her birthday was a new outfit for the rodeo she was taking her horse Savannah to the following week. As they headed downtown to celebrate her 21st birthday they heard some music playing. Jaycee started getting really excited, it was Blue Rodeo in the town square singing their hearts out. She raced to the square as they started to play Bad Timing. This was her favourite band, playing on her birthday, in her town, it was fate she thought to herself. She started singing along “We each forgive a little bit, and we both look back on it. It's just bad timing thats all...” and this young man came up behind her and joined in with her. She was thrown off because she never had a guy come up to her before not to mention sing with her. Jaycee turned around and all she saw was this man with beautiful blue eyes, shaggy brown hair who was extremely muscular and she was in his power. When the song finished he asked her name, she barely could get the words out to tell him but finally muttered “Jaycee”. Finally her two friends joined her, she raced so fast to see Blue Rodeo. Jaycee thought to herself they will save me from this mess. Instead, Heather proclaims “ Oh who's this handsome man? New boyfriend eh?”. All Jaycee could do was yell “ HEATHER” and then turn away and continue to watch the show. As the boy turned to Heather, he introduced himself as Colby and said he lived in Hagersville only a couple houses from Jaycee. He was new in town, and thought Jaycee was pretty so he walked over to say hi. Heather quickly gave him Jaycee's number and quickly he made up some excuse why he had to leave right after receiving the number. After Blue Rodeo was done Jaycee and the girls went to look at outfits. Jaycee bought some leather chaps and, a black cowboy hat! She had completely forgotten about Colby, or she wanted to. Later that night, he called her and asked her to Rawhide Rodeo saying he had an extra ticket and no one to go with and that he would pick her up at 8am. She was thrown off, but thats the most expensive rodeo to go to so she was somewhat excited. They ended up talking on the phone for along time and at exactly 11:59pm he asked her out, she said yes. They continued to see each other, he was a nice boy. Colby had a side that was about to come out though that was not going to be pretty to clean up. At this point she did not really talk to her friends much. Colby was the only person she ever saw, and gradually he started being really grabby and would not ever let her talk to anyone. She thought she loved him, she thought his behaviour was acceptable because he loved her right? They moved in together, she was so happy! She thought she had found the one. He bought her the rodeo she wanted and made all her dreams possible but as The Beatles say you can't buy love. A few nights after the big move he drank way to much and Jaycee told him he had to much and needed to slow it down. Colby chose not to, he decided to try and get in her pants. He grabbed her, pushed her, beat her until he got what he wanted. Jaycee cried while yelling stop! He would not let her go, but he knew she would not leave. The next day, Jaycee acted like it did not happen and that night it happened again. It happened for months straight, every night. Instead of leaving she chose to start trying to just end her life cigarette burns up and down her arms, cuts and bruises everywhere from nights prior. What could she do? He'd hurt her, but he loved her? One morning Colby actually let her out of the house saying she could grab grocery’s for the week. Jaycee was excited to be able to leave the house , but she ran into Jace. This was going to be horrible Jaycee silently thought to herself. Jace looked her up and down and simply said “ I miss you, Hope everything’s well” then gave Jaycee a huge hug and walked off. After grabbing her grocery’s, she comes home to find Colby in bed with his ex of five years in whom he mentioned frequently. She felt like an idiot and ran to Jace's house she felt like her life was over. She had no job, no love, no life, she dropped her family and everything for this guy. What would she do? What could she do? Jace was surprised to see her best friend on her doorstep crying. Instead of saying I told you so she decided to calm her down and let her release her feelings over a cup of tea. Jaycee appreciated the calm and caring words but was surprised that Jace was being so nice after what had happened with their friendship. She quickly realized people like Jace and Heather are the people to keep in her life and she needed to stop letting Colby terrorize her. Now Jaycee has fixed her issues with her family and moved back to the ranch they owned. She has stopped inflicting damage on herself and has realized her friends are her heart and soul. So anytime she is missing Colby she gives them a call. They are always there to help her and now shes finally on the right path again.